Rapport - how to get along with everyone
“Although rapport building does require some natural skill, it is absolutely possible to further develop your ability to build rapport with others, in any given situation.”
You know those people you come across that just seem to be able to make a smooth transition from complete stranger to polite and genial camaraderie? What makes it so easy for some and so seemingly awkward for others?
The difference is in the individuals ability to build rapport.
What is rapport?
Rapport is the process of matching and mirroring someone so that they accept, uncritically, the suggestions you give them.
Originally, in Hypnosis, rapport had a different meaning, which was a state where the subject in Hypnosis sees and hears only the Hypnotherapist. This is not the meaning in Neuro Linguistic Programming, where it relates to establishing trust and affinity between two people.
The basis of rapport is that when people are like each other, they like each other. When people are not like each other, they don’t like each other. When you like someone, you are willing to assist then in having whatever they want.
The general theory regarding communication is that 7% are the words that we use, 38% is our tonality and 55% our physiology. So, most communication is outside of conscious awareness. This provides tremendous opportunity for communication outside of normal channels, and that’s what rapport is about.
“One tends to deduce one’s feelings, attitudes and beliefs about what someone says not on the basis of actual words spoken, but rather by the body language and tone of the speaker.” Dr Albert Mehrabian, Professor Emeritus of Psychology, University of California, Los Angeles.
Although rapport building does require some natural skill, it is absolutely possible to further develop your ability to build rapport with others, in any given situation.
To build rapport, it is important to understand the concept of mirror neurons. The discovery of mirror neurons allowed scientists to understand that the same neurons are fired when a person performs a certain action and when he/she observes the same action being performed by somebody else.
An example of this is, when you are watching a sporting game and you see someone injure themselves, we reflexively flinch – this is because our mirror neurons are firing up to stimulate not just the same action being observed, but also the emotions and feelings behind the observed action.
So, how do you build rapport?
As mentioned, rapport is the process of mirroring and matching. The major elements of rapport are physiology, tonality, breathing, chunk size, common experiences and modality. We will explore each in more detail.
Physiology – this is the physical mirroring of physiology. This involves physically copying their posture, facial expressions, hand gestures and movements, and their eye blinking will cause their body to say unconsciously to their mind, “wow, he/she likes me!”. It is undeniable to the nervous system.
Tonality – this is the matching of their voice. The tone, temp, timbre, and the volume. You can also match their key words. For example, perhaps they often say, “you know?” You can use it in a sentence several times. Say it back to them.
Breathing – this is a very powerful element. You can actually pace someone’s breathing by breathing at exactly the same time as they do, matching the in and out breath. By leading you are able to bring them out of one representational system to another. We will go into more detail here a little later.
Chunk size – this involves matching the size of pieces of information they deal with. If someone is naturally a big picture thinker, they will get bored easily and quickly with the details. Conversely, if someone is naturally a detail person, they will find it hard if there is not enough information, if you only give them the big picture. So, it is important to ensure that you are matching the content chunks that the person is able to manage.
Common experiences – this is traditionally what has been labelled rapport. When people first meet, often their early relationship is about matching common experiences, common interests, background, beliefs, attitudes, values, ideologies and their common associations.
Modality – match the modality that the person is in. This element is one of the many significant advantages that NLP provides in mastering communication. This element allows us to build rapport and communicate effectively easily and effortlessly.
For the sake of contrast, can you remember a time when you were in a really excited state (visual) and you were with someone who was talking really slow (kinesthetic)? Remember how it drove you crazy waiting for them to catch up?
Can you remember a time when you were accessing your feelings, in a feeling state, or calm and quiet (kinesthetic). Was there ever a time when you were in this state and you were with another person who was in an excited state (visual)? Do you remember the feelings in your body when this happened?
Neither of these modes of operating are wrong. It is just how people operate. To be a master communicator and want to communicate at your best with others, you will achieve this when you employ their primary modality.
Too often, communication takes place in a system where people are unconsciously mis-matching modalities. For example, if you are meeting with someone who is highly visual, and you’re not quite there, sit up in your chair, breathe from the top of your lungs, and be excited, or at least act in a way that matches what they are doing.
On the other hand, if you are meeting with someone who is auditory, you want to slow down a bit, modulate your voice more and listen, really listen! If you are meeting with someone who is kinesthetic, then slow WAY down. Talk to them about feelings and change your voice tone so that it matches theirs.
For more information about modalities, please keep an eye out for our article.
Rapport building is extremely important that will benefit you significantly to improve your communication with others. As with anything, practice is the key to mastery.