Knowing Your Attachment Style
Understanding your attachment style and life narrative are important first steps in a relationship.
Do you find yourself becoming unbalanced when you fall in love?
Whether or not you can stay grounded while falling in love may in part have to do with your attachment style.
Attachment style refers to the way in which you relate to those you depend on. Once established in the first two or three years of life, an attachment style may stay with you and impact how you relate in a romantic relationship as well as how you parent.
Anxious Attachment Style
Falling in love can be an intoxicating and at times maddening experience. If you have an anxious attachment style (due to inconsistent parenting), falling in love may be more of an anxiety-producing experience.
This attachment style may lead you to feel extremely insecure even if there is little actual reason to feel this way.
Do you fixate on seeking approval and reassurance from your new partner due to overwhelming anxiety?
Do you look for and find red flags everywhere in the relationship?
Does your anxiety outweigh the enjoyment of falling in love and make it seem too difficult?
It’s normal for many to find the falling in love process to be anxiety-producing.
Some find it helpful to establish daily self-care rituals such as meditation or yoga to stay grounded.
If you continue to feel insecure and the reassurance of your partner does not soothe you, it may be helpful to seek the support of a therapist with knowledge of attachment issues.
Avoidant Attachment Style
People with an avoidant attachment style learned as children not to rely on anyone. This style may act as a protective defence against falling in love too quickly.
Do you have difficulty becoming highly invested in a relationship?
Do you keep your emotions inside and have trouble sharing vulnerable feelings with your partner?
Do you feel safest and most comfortable when keeping a man at a distance?
This tactic may feel like the way to stay grounded in the process, but it actually blocks love from unfolding and deepening.
Although part of you may truly want to fall in love, you may struggle to connect to the more vulnerable emotions needed to do so.
For some people, early childhood experiences (e.g. trauma) led to detaching from emotions altogether. Confiding in a therapist can be the first step to overcoming this block.
Many individuals in the population are fortunate to have been securely attached as children.
In this style of attachment, people can tolerate closeness and separateness, and a range of emotions in relationships, without extreme overwhelm.
The good news is that even if you have more of an anxious or avoidant attachment style, it is never too late to work towards developing a secure attachment style as an adult.
Working on understanding your attachment style and life narrative are important first steps.
Finding a mate in which you can develop a healthy and secure bond with is another essential step.
